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06-23-09
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(01-20-09)
From time to time I loose my focus,
wobble a bit, and eventually climb back onto that laser beam of
energy - unified purpose working mindfully towards a single goal.
I very much understand the variables involved with maintaining
my focus yet time after I fall. Yes, I have been discouraged quite
often but every time that I get back up I feel like I am taking
a step forwards to the ultimate goal of never ending / unwavering
focus. I do believe it is possible. It is attainable.
I remember for so many years feeling like I did not have the life
experience in order to clearly see what need to be done with any
given moment - what is the right perspective to live by? How frustrating
to know that not enough time had been spent, not enough experience
had been gained in order to proceed in the most effective way
possible. Well, now I am not claiming that all of life's lessons
have been learned or that anything has truly been attained, but
I do finally feel like I have the proper tools at my disposal
- I just need to practice using them.
In previous writing I have expressed my feeling about the lessons
that life presents us. I have gone through the periods of my learning
experiences (childhood, teenage, young adult time periods). I
have covered the fact that I believe that everything that has
been given us outside of our control (the era in which we were
born, our parents identities, country of origin, our own disabilities,
wrongs committed against while we were completely powerless, etc….)
are the main lessons or obstacles that must be learned/ overcome
in life. These are the starting to points to learning life's lessons.
The consequences that we suffer because of our own choices / actions
are the results of lessons that have yet to be learned.
So, here I am. The lessons have been presented. I have suffered
because of my own actions and continue to do so. The difference
now is that I know I have finally been given / acquired the tools
/ experience to move forward with the rest of my life / full fledged
adulthood. The one main element that needs to be put in place
is the unwavering focus. Concentrate….. concentrate….
concentrate…..ohm…ohm….ohm…… I must no
further distract my mind. I must further focus my body's energies.
I must release my minds tensions, ease the fears, embrace the
moment for what it is, "go with the flow". The vast
majority of my failures so far have been of my own doing. I have
fought the natural flow of things. I have perpetually believed
that I could get away with what ever distraction I chose to be
involved with. But, there is only one true experience and this
is unfettered concentration - easy mindfulness - living beyond
distraction - singular in focus - pure in form.
I am in no way trying to achieve some sort of perfection but I
do believe that it is v
ery possible to stay in the "the flow" of things and
move forward with great effort yet totally effortlessly. All things
will happen as they should if we could only let them. I do not
believe that this ego knows best. Even though I know in my heart
what is best at all times it is not very often that I fully conform
to this knowledge. I am not really trying to say anything other
that I finally feel like I have my acquired my "tools"
and the time to effortlessly focus is now! Let's see what happens.
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01-17-09:
Wow its cold! I have been meaning to do a blog entry for the last week or so, every since it snowed here. As I have been attempting to "hone in" my "laser beam" of focused life energy on exactly what it is that I need to be doing on a daily basis and have been forced to consider how to spend the time when I actually get to set down and do a little writing.
For quite some time I have been a little perplexed on how to spend my time, realizing that it is finitely limited. I have realized that I want to write. I need to write. The writing, whether it is recording events or creating fiction, is an absolute necessity in my internal desire to communicate. I tend to live a rather solitary - internally focused - life. I don't see this as a problem as long as I am continually communicating in one form or another. I mean, I spent 4 years in college in order to get a BA degree in communications. That effort has to have been worth something.
I always thought that the point of my going to school in order to learn about film and video production. But, now that I have attained the vantage point of "time past" and I can see that my college experience was based on expanding my ability to communicate with others. In fact, my brief (4.5 year) college experience is now defined as "An experience of learning to follow through on long term goals while increasingly being able to effectively communicate / relate to other people". This has made every loan payment for the last 10 years worth while. The interesting thing is that after 10 years of paying for my college experience (I still owe all of $200) I have finally, just now, been able to fully realize what it was all about. I never did a darn thing with the "Film and Video production" part of my degree but the "Communication" part of it has become a central part of my life and only with in the last month or two I have fully realized this.
So, where am I going with all of this? I certainly could ramble on and on……… The ideas are there but, the point is simple…… I am going to try and maintain a daily blog that simply records what I am doing on a daily basis (the simple physical things perhaps with a few thoughts thrown in) and a weekly writing of sorts. Like I said….., I have a huge desire to write. So, to come next week…… the concept of "Independence". It is been on my mind lately. It is complex and permeates every facet of life and thought. I believe myself to be generally independent, although not totally. So, if you have any interest, look for the daily blog "simple physical activity type stuff: and a weekly writing / journal entry of sorts.
I like to honestly communicate.,
especially with my self, but increasingly more with others. I
believe this to be a noble / valid purpose.
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01-06-09
The temperature outside is mild. It is raining. My wood stove is lit. I am sweating slightly. I just finished my 3rd cup of coffee. It is a new year. It is my 33rd . This is significant.
My family and I have been fortunate enough to spend the last few weeks of 2008 enjoying each others company. I did not spend a whole lot of time in the glass shop and tried to focus on enjoying the holidays with tree and the kids. Like many families, we were on and off sick with the flu. There was a lot of that going around. We all went bowling on my 33rd birthday and enjoyed large feasts on Christmas and New Years.
Mentally I spent a lot of energy trying to get a really solid grip on my goals for 2009. Even though 2008 was a bit of a frightful and very eventful year, it was a very good year for us. We made a lot of progress in our personal lives.
For me, 2008 was the year that really capped off and put a final definition on what we have been doing for the past 9 years. For the last 2 years I have felt that we (I) have been in transition. Moving away from a time of growing and headed towards a time of doing. I think that many people spend their twenties trying to define who they are in preparation for the rest of their life. It takes some longer than others. I have always been a little behind on an emotional / maturity level. That is to say that I have not always been ok with who I am and the direction I am headed.
I have spent a lot of time trying to figure this out and have explored / experimented with many concepts and directions of being. Perhaps part of the problem is that I have long felt that so much of my life has simply been “handed” to me. Yes, I have had to make many choices along the way and no, I was not physically handed much of anything since I left my parents home when I was 18. Yet, life’s path seems to have been laid out and I have simply been floating along with the currents of time seeing and experiencing that which has been put in front of me. Finally, it feels that I have rounded a long awaited bend in life’s river and the time for floating is past. It is time to get out the oars and paddle hard in the direction that I have chosen.
We are all floating down this one great river of time. I do feel the “point of life” is simply to observe the experience. But, there is a choice to passively or purposefully experience it. I believe that those who live with purpose will get more out of the experience in the end. Those who live with focus will feel that this experience has been worth while. I’ve got my oars in hand and can see the direction in which to paddle. Gone are the days of lazy floating. It is time to paddle hard and I have set my sites on a direction. I have chosen my experience. I am ok with it.
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(09-18) - "What are you creating?" This is the central question in my life right now and, in truth, it always has been.
I am sure that in one form or another this question has been emerging for quite some time now. I first became conscious of this question earlier this year, perhaps in the early spring. I know that I was in my shop when I first "heard" it being asked of me. Even though I was working with glass at that moment it was instantly obvious that the scope of the question went so far beyond the glass that I was spinning in my hand. I knew it was a really huge all encompasing question and could only just begin to grasp the scope answer. Now that the answer to this quesion is becoming clear I can see that in fact this question has been on / in my mind for an entire life time and ultimately much, much, much longer. It is so entirely personal, it is absolutely universal. Mind, body, and soul must be considered but not just what I see as my mind, body, and soul as they belong to my ego / my personality in this space in time.
There have been a lot of subjects that I have desired to write about recently and I have been a little perplexed as where to start. Every time I think about writing I ask my self "What are you creating?" "What is it that you are attempting to do here and why?" I can usually asewer the "what" part and then I get to the "why". I have not been able to start with any of this writing because it always felt like I was starting in the middle and while it was clear to me what I wanted to express I could always see that unless I start at the beginning the thoughts / experiences would seem dis-jointed and some what random. Many of the experiences in my life have felt random and non-sencical even though, looking back now, there always were signs of purpose and unity. As I have been blessed to have the opportunities to examine the moments of my life that stand out as having real meaning and purpose I have been able to make some sense of it all but it was not until the question "what are you creating?" that everything has begun to solidify, the path made clear, and the truth of it all has begun to illuminated. The light has penetrated the darkness and it is ever increasingly intensifying.
Now, I want to write. I want to communicate. I want to create with one purpose, mind, and energy. My story is the same as every one elses and perhaps this is the reason that I feel compelled to tell mine so that those who can realte might fell a unity of experience. In this time of fear and uncertainty it is possible to live with out fear. Only love and light exsist - there is no evil - there is only one purpose - there is only one mind. We have created our reality and that is why we live with fear. I have created my reality and have suffered for it. For so long I wanted to be done creating a false reality and living in fear. I want to create with in the light of truth and I do believe that this is possible. I have been presented with a lot of information lately and have used it as a guide. Much of what I want to comminate is not my own. It does not come solely from me. Nothing does. This information has a lot of sources and I have to chosen to make it my own because it resonates with in me. As long as the light still shines I will have a desire to communicate with honest love. I feel that is the only purpose.
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(09-04) - It is quite amazing how fast time has been moving past. So much has happened in this last year. I have a tendancy to want to write as the fall approaches. Perhaps because there is a feeling of closure to the year when the flowers begin to fade, the air begins to cool, and the energy of the summer subsides. We have had to step back into the routine of getting Sequoia off to school and I have to begin to think about all of the fire wood that will be needed for the winter. The approaching fall is a very "strong" time of year for me. I have been feeling like this is especially true for me - perhaps the closing of an era, an 8 year period of growth / experience.
Just the other day I passed my 8 year anniversery since I started to work with glass. It has been 8 years since tree and I got married and moved to Virginia. Our lives have grown and moved forward in many unexpected and beautiful ways. It has been so long since I have communicated effectivly with this website. There is change in the air - the next step. Even though I go through this every year, the desire to write, to communicate. I am feeling like this is the begining of something new. I am ready to communicate again, with honesty, no fear, and truth as it has presented to me. I have found the process of "growing" to be quite interesting as well as challenging. I look forward to using this "blog" and my website in general to express myself and present my art. It has been awhile (years) since I have strongly felt this way. I am looking forward to the next 8 years and the many unknowns that will be presented with the passage of time. I want to thank all of those who have supported my family and my art over the years and hope that you will continue to return to this website and enjoy what I have to offer. There are numerous changes in store for this website. The time to take the "next step" is now. So, please come back often as there will be many new writings and images to enjoy in the very near future. Blessings - Kenan
-There has been so much going on and so little time to properly deal with it all. We are in the process of "readying" our 5 year od, Sequoia for his 1st day of kindergarten. (such a big step). There also has been a number of subtle changes in our personal life that effects the way that we approach every day. So, instead of getting into the "dirty" details this time around, I just want to share a nice photo that my wife took of our home. she has put a lot of time into the garden and the flowers this year. We are very happy to be exactly where we are at.
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04/22/07 - I just wanted to take a little time and share some photos of my family. I have been desperately wanting to write, to share, to get a grip on what really matters.
I feel like I have aged as much in the last 2 years as I have in the last 10. Everything is changing and change can be painful, distressing, and generally hard to deal with. In the end change is good. It signifies learning. Even negative change offers an opportunity to learn. I am simply trying to learn. Trying to find peace.
I have been enjoying my family more than ever and feel that true peace is coming. The world is suffering and we all suffer with it. That is why it is so important to figure out what is truly meaningful in life and embrace it / them.
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10/05: Finally, I have found a little motivation to update my webpage as well as getting a little personal with some new pics. The last few months have been a blur and life has changed in a number of ways. The biggest being the arrival of Sage. It is about time I shared some images of her . Isn't she beautiful? She is 3 months old. It seems like just last week she was born.
I want to thank all of you whom take the time to stop by here. I especially want to thank all of you from Japan who frequent my web page. It is great to have people from all over the world visiting here. I hope to be adding some writings soon. But , for now I hope you enjoy these photos. Thanks for looking.
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M. Cavelera |
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